is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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