We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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