Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also, beer. Big fan.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
