My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
