My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
