when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
