from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The uberlube is also flammable
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
