I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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