If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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