My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
