Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
