when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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