apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
