we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
