I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sext me about skeletons
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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