I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
