Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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