theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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