Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
