OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
