how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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