I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
