Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
