why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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