Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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