I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
