so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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