So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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