how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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