I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
