You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
