I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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