Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My life is pants optional.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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