Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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