so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
