So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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