When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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