i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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