I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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