a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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