dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if only i could text you this smell
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Randomize
