I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
