my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
