This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
