Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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