Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sext me about skeletons
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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