i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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