The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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