Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize