my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
