I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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